Blegh

Nyoom nyoom skizzanyoom. Fook fook.

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oof

Oof my oofies.  I wish I could cut connections with my family for 3 days. Just have some time for myself and be able to sort my thinking.

Im so scared

Im so fucking scared.  I feel like I could throw up. I don’t know.  I think I did the wrong topic for my presentation tomorrow, I’m so scared.  I told my mom, she yelled at me for always doing this to myself. She yelled at me about why I treat myself so badly, but not in a caring sense, its in those ways where shes yelling “Why are you doing this to me, why do you make it so hard for me” but changing me to “you” so that it “looks” like she cares about my health and wellbeing. I want to tell her, so badly, the reason why I do things so late is because I hate myself, I find no meaning to do things better if all Im going to do in is die. If everyone just hates me wheres the meaning in doing better. If life is so meaningless to me why would I try to do better. If sHE wants me to do better, then sHe should try and make me feel important. I told her she was dissapointed in me and that I know she was and she didn’t even deny it, when I told her right after I was useless and hopeless she agreed. I can’t even cut out the most toxic people in my life out. I don’t know what to do about this anymore. It feels like everything is slipping out of my grasps, like all this solid stuff I have around me are slipping through my fingers like sand and I’m just unable to have anything around me. My step dad keeps threatening he’ll take my electronics away and set a monitor on my computer and idk I guess once he does that I’ll probably lose it, the internet is just my escape from everything, my only contact with friends and with people who help loosen this feeling of suffocation I have each day.  I won’t say the “internet saves me” or something, but it helps at least with urges and such. If he takes those away I won’t have anything left for me, maybe just some scissors. I want to cut my whole arm, up and down, fill the whole thing with cuts, but I can’t, it’s obvious and if I have cloth around it, it’ll just hurt, and I don’t want to feel like I’m burning in class, its just uncomfortable.  Ah I’m sorry.  I know I’m supposed to die and how selfish I am for still being here but I’m just scared, so fucking scared of everything.

Oh my mcfuckles

IMG_0347

I don’t rlly know what to say but. I’m so rlly fucking proud of you, and tbh I’m just going to start from my initial impressions of you, I didn’t rlly know what you were going through in middle school, yeah I knew you were rlly insecure etc but I could never have imagined this person I’ve always seen wasn’t the you you rlly wanted to portray. And seeing you right now, thinking of who you want to be and become, and taking that first step out of this mess you’re in rlly makes me happy. I love who you were in middle school and I love who you are now, and that won’t change as you grow up. Hopefully, I’ll always be able to be there and see you change and at least still be able to be by your side. Yeah this is fucking cringey, and yeah I’m not reading what I’m typing but I fucking love you and rlly rlly proud of you. You’re definitely going to go through hard times and of course all kinds of uncomfort but you’ll get through it. >: O   you’ve done one of the hardest parts, take a deep breath and just pat yourself on the back k. You’re amazing and incredible and tbh I never imagined you would have come out so early but I’m rlly glad you did and by the second you just become more awesome to me. Like I still don’t get how you kept me as a friend??? I scroll through all sorts of things like DrawCast etc and I was deathly cringy at the time???? anyhow besides the point. You are amazing, incredible, strong and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. You may not be the tough manly person you want to be, but don’t let that hold you back from doing anything you want to do. If you can’t achieve something learn to love yourself as it is, of course try your best but don’t force yourself where you start to break yourself apart, but once you know you can’t change something about yourself do your best to love it. Just keep reminding yourself of your own achievements (this is one nyom of an achievement) and of all the ppl there to support you and when you feel you have none I’m right here k. Idontknowhowtoendthis. I love you and Im proud of you and ohmygosh so many questions and oegijnkdngkjeng

 

I really wanted to draw you something, so I took my persona and one oc you have that I rlly identify you with and drew them together. though in the middle I rlly wanted to draw this comic haha =-= I’ll do that tomorrow cause I have school the next day gosh. OKAy I hoPE you love this or like it idkkk byegtgsleep.   Edit: I forgot twitter dm’s is a thing

Lolol

Pffthaha I don’t know what to do anymore.

WHo gives a fuck if someone sees, I don’t care anymore.

 

My moms going crazy.

My brothers pressured by my mom freaking out.

my dads still just as strict and pressuring. and even though hes changed for the better his presence is just terrifying…

 

 

UGH FUCK ME. I Can”T do IT ANYMoRE.  I just want to have a friend I can cry to. But there’s no one. N o one wants to hear their friend complain about cutting themselves, no one wants to see them cry. I can’t stand it. I’m so sorry for being annoying, plz just ignore it, ignore everything I’m so sorry I’m done I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m so weak. I’m so sorry i cut on your birthday, I’m sorry and I can’t forgive myself for that. I’m sorry for being some fucking attention whore all the time. I’m sorry I’ll just hide it all. I’m so fucking sorry. Please I just want. help. I just. I just want someone who can be there for me. who won’t judge me no matter the fucking problem. If I raped someone, if i cheated if I stole, If i did drugs. I want someone who won’t judge me no matter what. but hey what humans like that. then theres me who’s trying to become this ideal human but it’s not like I can find someone exactly like me or actually just trust anyone in general. LMAO I’m so stuck up and no one knows, I’m so insecure but I’m just too prideful I can’t stand it. Lol I have so much flaws.