Idk man

Ehhh… Maybe I’m doing this to seek attention. Idk. But ig typing it and sending it to the outer world makes me feel like I’m talking to someone without needing the other persons response. I can’t tell anyone anything, and when there’s someone who I’m comfortable talking with, they usually can get triggered by the things I say. People would try to help then feel useless they can’t help, but I never expected it in the first place. Nothing changes even if I share them, I only prolong my sadness and pass it on to someone else who worsens it by ‘feeling bad’ for not being able to help me but I dont even care, its not new. I hate that I’m just depressed and not suicidal anymore and I hate how I avoid dying when suicidal cause uwu my family cares about me. Like Mom stop buying me things so I can just die without feeling like I owe you things. I wish I thought about dying harder before my gap semester is about to end. Now if I die and I fail at it, idk what will happen since my college starts in like a month. I’m just in so much fucking regret, dude fuck the friends I lived for in senior year. They all left me, so I should’ve just died cause it wouldn’t have fucking mattered. I finally could’ve been released from this world. Now I have to go through more of this life, and try to actually make my life better in college. I honestly dont know if I’ll ever not regret that I didn’t try taking my life in senior year. Idk what to do. I hate this, I hate living. It’s too complicated for me…

mM

I feel like no matter how well things go from now on. I will always regret getting friends in senior year, I will always feel saddened and burdened by the fact I didn’t die because I had friends. There is hope and I know right now I wouldn’t kill myself purely because there are still things ahead that I’m sometimes appealed by. I’m not as depressed nor suicidal, sometimes it even feels as if I’ve been healed. But each time i think about dying there’s only sadness that I didn’t do it because I had friends during my worst times.

Dying feels like a way to be in peace, to stop going through the hassle of daily life, I just feel like it’s my time to lay down and rest. But I don’t have much of the drive or intentions to do it. the friend’s who were there for me during those times, they left me. I wish I just never got to be friends with them so I could avoid the pain they brought on to me. I wish I never got to be friends with them so I could’ve had the motive to take the initiative to die. No one on earth right now, means enough to me to make me feel like I should keep living for them. I hate my entire family (I’m angry talking), my brother always picks on me, my mom tries to take on the least responsibility as possible when it comes to my mental health, my step dad’s… well… hahahahaha

I have no one. I’m alone. I hate everything. I feel like my brain has just smoothened out, I go by each day doing nothing but eat and watch youtube. And I know its stupid, but I don’t think I can find love either, I don’t want a sexual relationship, I pan towards guys but I’m also a tomboy vibe (short hair, baggy shorts etc) which ig doesn’t cater to what m e n like. I wish I could just finally go away, and leave this awful world.

I’m nothing, my only skills is art. Even art would prob need written things but my english is trash. But every person at my age is better than me at art (in the art community I mean). I’m so much worse than a lot of ppl and I have nothing good about myself to make up for it. I’m scared to die so I don’t think I will on my own accord but that’s what makes me so sad and mad. I just keep wishing I could go back to early senior year, and get back my motivation to kill myself.

Random thought

Honestly it wouldn’t be too bad to have amnesia. I really just need a reset to my head. I don’t think there’s any memory I have right now that I’m too keen on keeping anyways. Good memories just fade away, and none of the friends who I have cherished are good friends with me anymore. If I just had amnesia I can have a restart with my family. Even if I’m a worse person, not knowing what to compare it to, I’ll still live as if I’m happy with who I am. I don’t really care about anything I have rn that’ll be lost if I have a complete memory wipe. The memories I have rn are all too painful, and I just can’t deal with them.

Mm

I just ranted a ton and deleted it haha.

I’m tired and exhausted. I can imagine myself grabbing a handful of pills and just swallowing them all, but that tiny bit of hope that I can do better and that guilt of hurting people is always there. I wish I was depressed like before, before I had friends. They left me in the end anyways, I should’ve just never gotten close to them so I can end this much faster. There’s just so much regret that I got close to them, I stayed for them and now they’re all gone, things would’ve been easier if I ended things at that time. I’m not even that suicidal anymore, and that makes me so miserable. It’s so hard for me to feel the strong need to die like I used to. I’m always on the verge of crying… ehhh… I don’t want to say much anymore. I’m just here as some sort of checkpoint.

oo some things I guess.

I kinda wanna get a buzzcut or get my sides shaven kinda thing, my family is definitely gunna think I’m weird and I don’t want to burden them more with my weirdness but it’s a thing I think I want to do when I go to college.

Im so sad

there’s the saying, something about having stones weighed on ur back and feeling pressed down. I legit feel pulled down instead of pressed. My heart weighs so heavy rn, I’m being pulled into the ground. I hate this. I hate it. i hate everything. Everyone has someone. I keep trying to be the perfect somebody u can rant to, talk to and rely on. But there’s no one like that for me. I realize all these years all I want is a best friend. Its my senior year, four years after my dreadful freshman year, I’m living. I’m alive. And I have a fucking lack of best and close friends. If I’m close friends with someone its always me on the receiving end, listening to their problems, to their achievements and happiness. And I’m so jealous of their happiness. I dont know, I feel so miserable. there’s no I dont know what to do anymore. I’ve accepted it and I’ve given up, but it makes me feel miserable. I’m so miserable inside.

If anyone reads this idk man. I’m just sad about a lack of friends. its cool.

HAHAhaHAH.

Okay so why I’m actually here is cause one of my friends is super close to my crush, and.. they’re really close.. and… they always tell me about him..idk thats all I can type out, I dont rlly want to go into it. I’m so frustrated and so miserable, I want to cut but I promised some dude I wouldn’t. Goddammnit. I want to hurt myself. I wish I could ruin my whole body with injuries.

Triggernomatry

Haven’t used this platform in so long l m a o. I guess I forgot when I don’t have friends I can use this place to rant.

I’m tired and I don’t rlly want to type much but I also rlly need to get this outside of my system so.. few things that I’m sad and mad and nervous about:

  • All my friends graduated (I was that one kid taken in by their older peers)
  • I dropped AA, didn’t know AA was a pre-requisite to a class I wanted and now I have to binge study a whole semester and take the test in a week from now.
  • I’m taking SAT prep everyday while I’m at it from 9 am – 6 pm
  • My biological dad’s coming to visit so after 6 I’ll hang with him and go back at 9 pm
  • I have no time to do anything
  • my weekends are occupied by a math tutor and more time to be spent with dad
  • I’m so overwhelmed someone help me
  • Everything looks like a movie to me, buildings look like legos and the sky looks like a stock photo. good game guys.
  • I’m pretty sure life glitched twice a few days ago
  • My razor got rusty, if I get tetanus it’s not my fault. yea cause I’m an immature lil’ shit and you can’t do heccing f a ck  about it
  •  My style is weird now. Lets go weird baggy shorts with strings and huge a$$ sweaters that make my legs look s m o l and very unproportioned compared to my upper body
  • I.
  • can’t
  • get
  • help

 

Help. I’m dying. I can’t stand this anymore. I’m rlly trying. I’m trying so hard. nvm. I’m good. I dont want to think about it anymore. I’m going to ignore my feelings just as I always do cause its the only way I can deal with my problems when I d O n t e v E  n H av E  s  O m E o N e to n  V M. AAAA >:C I’m so sorry. I hate it. everyone has a best friend or a close friend, someone they can share their thoughts to. and I have no one and I’m just rlly salty about it. I can’t be my own mental support group XD its not working, I’m trying but hell I’m planning my suicide so somethings definitely wrong here

Im so scared

Im so fucking scared.  I feel like I could throw up. I don’t know.  I think I did the wrong topic for my presentation tomorrow, I’m so scared.  I told my mom, she yelled at me for always doing this to myself. She yelled at me about why I treat myself so badly, but not in a caring sense, its in those ways where shes yelling “Why are you doing this to me, why do you make it so hard for me” but changing me to “you” so that it “looks” like she cares about my health and wellbeing. I want to tell her, so badly, the reason why I do things so late is because I hate myself, I find no meaning to do things better if all Im going to do in is die. If everyone just hates me wheres the meaning in doing better. If life is so meaningless to me why would I try to do better. If sHE wants me to do better, then sHe should try and make me feel important. I told her she was dissapointed in me and that I know she was and she didn’t even deny it, when I told her right after I was useless and hopeless she agreed. I can’t even cut out the most toxic people in my life out. I don’t know what to do about this anymore. It feels like everything is slipping out of my grasps, like all this solid stuff I have around me are slipping through my fingers like sand and I’m just unable to have anything around me. My step dad keeps threatening he’ll take my electronics away and set a monitor on my computer and idk I guess once he does that I’ll probably lose it, the internet is just my escape from everything, my only contact with friends and with people who help loosen this feeling of suffocation I have each day.  I won’t say the “internet saves me” or something, but it helps at least with urges and such. If he takes those away I won’t have anything left for me, maybe just some scissors. I want to cut my whole arm, up and down, fill the whole thing with cuts, but I can’t, it’s obvious and if I have cloth around it, it’ll just hurt, and I don’t want to feel like I’m burning in class, its just uncomfortable.  Ah I’m sorry.  I know I’m supposed to die and how selfish I am for still being here but I’m just scared, so fucking scared of everything.

Oh my mcfuckles

IMG_0347

I don’t rlly know what to say but. I’m so rlly fucking proud of you, and tbh I’m just going to start from my initial impressions of you, I didn’t rlly know what you were going through in middle school, yeah I knew you were rlly insecure etc but I could never have imagined this person I’ve always seen wasn’t the you you rlly wanted to portray. And seeing you right now, thinking of who you want to be and become, and taking that first step out of this mess you’re in rlly makes me happy. I love who you were in middle school and I love who you are now, and that won’t change as you grow up. Hopefully, I’ll always be able to be there and see you change and at least still be able to be by your side. Yeah this is fucking cringey, and yeah I’m not reading what I’m typing but I fucking love you and rlly rlly proud of you. You’re definitely going to go through hard times and of course all kinds of uncomfort but you’ll get through it. >: O   you’ve done one of the hardest parts, take a deep breath and just pat yourself on the back k. You’re amazing and incredible and tbh I never imagined you would have come out so early but I’m rlly glad you did and by the second you just become more awesome to me. Like I still don’t get how you kept me as a friend??? I scroll through all sorts of things like DrawCast etc and I was deathly cringy at the time???? anyhow besides the point. You are amazing, incredible, strong and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. You may not be the tough manly person you want to be, but don’t let that hold you back from doing anything you want to do. If you can’t achieve something learn to love yourself as it is, of course try your best but don’t force yourself where you start to break yourself apart, but once you know you can’t change something about yourself do your best to love it. Just keep reminding yourself of your own achievements (this is one nyom of an achievement) and of all the ppl there to support you and when you feel you have none I’m right here k. Idontknowhowtoendthis. I love you and Im proud of you and ohmygosh so many questions and oegijnkdngkjeng

 

I really wanted to draw you something, so I took my persona and one oc you have that I rlly identify you with and drew them together. though in the middle I rlly wanted to draw this comic haha =-= I’ll do that tomorrow cause I have school the next day gosh. OKAy I hoPE you love this or like it idkkk byegtgsleep.   Edit: I forgot twitter dm’s is a thing